The Criterion Sale…It Begins…
My Criterion Collection
One of the greatest sources for rare Art House films, the Criterion Collection delivers high quality releases, cleaned up and with a ton of special features (the original laserdiscs, in particular King Kong, invented the concept of a director’s commentary). However, not every great film makes the cut, and the company has specific styles of films it chooses. So I’ve taken it upon myself to pick a few titles that I feel deserve to be part of the collection.
My criteria (no pun intended):
Has to be good, or at least made in a way that pushes the limits of filmmaking, is innovative, and/or helps to advance the craft
Has a cult status, is something die-hard fans would want to spend money to have in their collections
Is rare, not something that is readily available but is worth owning
Is quirky, unusual, or out of the ordinary
My Pics:
American Movie (1999) – A documentary about an indie filmmaker’s struggles couldn’t be more fitting for the collection, a film by, about and for those who love movies. Mark Borchardt’s Coven (the film he’s trying to make in the doc) would make an excellent special feature for the blu-ray.
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) – Its unlikely, given Wes Anderson’s deal with Criterion, that this film won’t get a release, however, if ever a movie deserved to be included, it’s this one, with its offbeat plot, incredible cinematography and inspired performances.
The Fall (2006) – I’ve already mentioned Tarsem’s masterpiece in my top 10 favorite movies of all time. Given how the film itself, besides being breathtakingly beautiful and a love letter to the art of telling stories, manages to visually preserve a number of UNESCO World Heritage sites for future generations, it makes the Criterion treatment a no brainer.
The Tenant (1976) – The missing film from Polanski’s informal Apartment Trilogy (the other two being Repulsion (1965) and Rosemary’s Baby (1968), both already released by Criterion) the film features the director himself, playing a lowly clerk who fears the other tenants of his apartment are conspiring to drive him insane. As if the atmosphere of existential dread wasn’t frightening enough, it features Polanski in drag.
Any movie by Alejandro Jodorowsky – This man needs to make a Wes Anderson-ian deal with Criterion, any and all of his bizarre, avant-garde work would fit the bill for a release.
Amadeus (1984) – Another film from my top 10. All I’ll add is that there’s no excuse for this not to have gotten a Criterion release, none.
La Grande Bouffe (1973) – A precursor to The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover (1989), and arguably a sort of unofficial companion piece to Pasolini’s Salo (1975) in terms of setup (though not nearly as mean-spirited or violent as either, yet still scatologically repulsive), Marco Fererri’s film follows four wealthy men, with three prostitutes and a teacher in tow, to a secluded mansion in order to engage in a decadent orgy of food and sex. Unlike Salo, however, the goal is not murder but suicide, as the four intend to eat themselves to death. An offbeat but highly underrated masterpiece.
Honorable mention:
Ghostbusters (1984) (again) – There are few who would deny that this is one of the greatest comedies ever made, though few would think it was the type of film Criterion would pick. Guess what? It did get a Criterion release, on laser disc, though its one of several selections that never made it past that format. However, the film is still widely available and has gotten a decent extras-laden release on blu-ray.
The ABC’s Of Death (2012)
A collection of 26 short films by directors across fifteen different countries, each dealing with death and centered around a letter of the alphabet. Because they vary so wildly between directors, I’ll judge each film on its own merits:
A: Okay, but not really all that memorable.
B: Typical horror movie fare, with a very predictable ending. Also, Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman are not the same thing.
C: Interesting, but still has a very familiar theme to it.
D: A well done short, and the first bit of brilliance to pop up, both in terms of story and production values.
E: An unmemorable take on a common urban legend.
F: Incredibly stupid and perverse.
G: Relies on a gimmicky use of POV that’s done more effectively in U.
H: An attempt to portray a live-action cartoon. Good production values.
I: Fairy disturbing, but without enough context to get the audience involved.
J: Completely bizarre and demented.
K: Dumb scatological animated short.
L: Gratuitous but effective (think Takashi Miike directing a pornographic version of Saw).
M: Very short and very pointless, little more than a visual gag.
N: Cute, amusing short.
O: An experimental short, using only imagery to express feeling. Well done.
P: One of the best, which manages to get across a moving and relatable story without dialogue. The ending will make you cringe.
Q: Lame attempt to use postmodernism as a cover for a lack of original story, though there is at least a coherent and somewhat entertaining plot. Also tits and blow.
R: Gods help me, this film thinks it’s trying to say something meaningful about the hardships of being a director, but all its really doing is giving me a Pavlovian aversion to bacon.
S: A decent grindhouse-era throwback.
T: The third film revolving around the porcelain idol, presumably claymated by a kindergarden class.
U: Effective use of POV.
V: Good story with an interesting plot and decent production value.
W: Just throwing random shit around to freak out the audience does not a decent short make. Also see the postmodern complaint from Q.
X: Extremely gory, but makes a valid point about our image-obsessed society. Also has a very effective soundtrack.
Y: Whatever tension might have been built up is ruined by the bizarre 80’s soundtrack
Z: What…the…fuck?
Here you get the good with the bad. Not a complete waste of time, though sadly the bad tend to outnumber the good. By all means watch, but have your fast forward ready.
My Top 5 Documentaries
Having already posted about my top 10 films of all time, I felt it was important to share some of my favorite documentaries (as of 2013). In no particular order:
The Bridge (2006) – In 2004, Eric Steel, inspired by a news article entitled “Jumpers,” set up a camera to film the Golden Gate Bridge continuously for one year. He and his crew managed to capture footage of no fewer than 23 of 24 known suicides that occurred, the site being a popular method for those who wish to end it all. Steel wisely avoids providing any narration or hand-holding, letting the interviews with the victim’s loved ones (none of whom were informed about the existence of the footage beforehand) speak for themselves. The film has an almost eerie stillness about it that fits the subject matter, but also keeps it from feeling sensationalized or preachy.
In The Realms of the Unreal (2004) – In 1973, shortly after the death of eccentric recluse Henry Darger, his landlords entered his apartment and found among his belongings a typed 15,145 page manuscript entitled The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinian War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion, along with several hundred watercolor paintings. Both served to flesh out an elaborate fantasy world that Darger spent most of his private life creating. Jessica Yu’s documentary explores the work and the man behind it, putting aside the interest they have generated (today Darger is hailed as an example of outsider art, and his watercolors fetch upwards of $80,000) to focus on why and how it all came about. Though many have called it a travesty, the animation of Henry’s drawings, used to illustrate passages from The Realms, helps to bring his world alive for the audience. Be warned: his tendency to draw his young heroines in the nude, coupled with his being altogether innocent of the difference between males and females, results in some…uncomfortable imagery.
Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son about His Father (2008) – This is a doc that, as a film major, I shouldn’t like nearly as much as I do, as it fails the test of objectivity; right off the bat, director Kurt Kuenne makes his bias and objectives quite clear, though given the circumstances, you can hardly blame him. On November 5th of 2001, Dr. Andrew Bagby was shot to death by his sociopathic ex-girlfriend, Shirley Jane Turner, who was released on bail and later fled to Canada. Soon after, she announced that she was pregnant with Andrew’s child. Kuenne, a filmmaker and Andrew’s best friend, set out to make a documentary so Andrew’s son could learn about the man his father was, obtaining interviews with all of the many people whose lives he touched. However, as time went on, the focus shifted to David and Kate, Andrew’s parents, who struggled to obtain custody of their grandchild, as well as justice for their son. What the Bagbys were forced to suffer through as a result of this woman, as well as the Canadian court’s complete inability to do right by Andrew and his son, is heartbreaking. Note: if you have any interest in this film, DO NOT look up anything about the case before you see it. And make sure you have tissues on hand.
The Woodmans (2010) – Another tear-jerker, and another on the topic of suicide, the film examines the Woodman family, all prolific artists whose lives were shattered by the suicide death of young Francesca, a promising photographer with severe emotional problems. Like The Bridge, no narration is given, and the audience is left to their own judgments. Was Francesca a free spirit who burned out too soon, or was something lacking in her life that led to her demise? Are her family genuinely torn apart by her death, or are they shallow individuals who are simply annoyed by the attention it takes from their own work? And is great art – and more importantly, the pain and suffering that often begets it – worth the life of the artist?
Midnight Movies: From the Margin to the Mainstream (2005) – It’s odd to think that movies like “Rocky Horror,” “Eraserhead,” and “El Topo” had a major effect on popular culture, seeing as how they were regulated to the midnight hour in seedy, underground cinemas. But without them, for better or worse, we likely wouldn’t have the permissiveness that we do today. Stuart Samuels’ Midnight Movies provides insight into a world long gone, where late night screenings provided a forbidden access into counter-cultural debauchery, bizarre mysticism and social commentary provided by directors who were ahead of their time. Much of the impact, sadly, may be lost on today’s audiences (Divine eating dog shit in the final reel of “Pink Flamingoes” won’t mean much to an audience raised on Fear Factor, for example), yet it’s because of this impact that writers and directors have the freedom to tackle subjects that only thirty years ago would have been off limits.
A Serbian Film (2010) Uncut
Midnight Movie Night: “Somebody’s Knocking at the Door”
Tonight at midnight I will be watching a low budget horror movie that was chosen at random, Chad Ferrin’s “Someone’s Knocking at the Door” (2009). Never seen this flick, know nothing about it. I will be live Tweeting during the show (@rowand60). If you want to follow along, the movie is available on Netflix streaming. (No guarantee that it will be any good, you have been warned…)
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8Ltdi0Bnu8/%5DShatter Dead (1994)
Once upon a time, in a world far, far away, digital technology did not exist, or at least, was in its infancy. Thus, an obscene amount of a film’s budget would be spent on buying film stock, renting out heavy, clunky cameras, and having the film processed at a lab. In these dark times, often only the independently wealthy and very talented had a shot at making a half decent film outside of the studio system.
This does not mean, however, that the poor and untalented didn’t try.
Scooter McCrae’s Shatter Dead (and no, that’s not a typo) is, for the time it was made, a very ambitious zombie film with an intriguing premise but a lousy execution. The hermaphrodidic angel of death, for whatever reason, rapes and impregnates a human woman, and the resulting paradox – death creating life – results in a situation in which souls remain in their bodies after death (this interpretation is based on promotional material; all the film gives us is a scene of a big-titted butch woman doing something to a skanky petite woman from behind, and the resulting orgasm causing wings to emerge from the butch woman’s back).
Seventeen months later, the world has been divided between the living and the dead, with the sentient dead treated as second class citizens and forced to live on the street. Susan (Stark Raven), our heroine, is trying to navigate through a near abandoned town in order to get home to her boyfriend Dan (Daniel “Smalls” Johnston). Much of the film involves Susan trying to avoid the undead, who often appear as normal, friendly beings whose status can only be determined by catching the fog of their breath (or, rather, the lack thereof) on a reflective surface. There’s nothing generally malicious about these undead; they aren’t zombies in the traditional sense, and their only real crime is the belief that being dead is somehow preferable to life, despite the fact that they often have to resort to theft in order to provide for themselves. However, an uprising led by the preacher (Robert Wells) stirs them to kill off the living in order to perpetuate their numbers.
The majority of the film traces Susan trying to return home, including frequent run-ins with the preacher and his brood. In one instance, the undead swarm her after a breakdown, however, instead of eating her brains, they annex her car. In another, Susan finds shelter at a suburban house, which is later invaded by dead revolutionaries, who promptly kill off the family living there.
I’m not in the habit of giving spoilers, but since this is Necrophilia week, I can’t go without mentioning the film’s most controversial scene. After finally making it back to her apartment, Susan discovers that Dan has committed suicide. At first angry that hubby is now a member of the living dead, she gets over it quickly and insists the two of them have sex (all that surviving makes a girl horny). Unfortunately, a lack of blood pressure (after having slit his wrists and emptied the contents into a bathtub) means Dan can’t get his small Johnston up and working. Not to be deterred, Susan loops a cord through the trigger of her gun and around Dan’s waist, creating a makeshift strap-on. The resulting penetration by nozzle is pretty graphic, but not really erotic.
The lack of budget is painfully obvious. The acting is god awful, and names like ‘Stark Raven’ and ‘Flora Fauna’ suggest the cast isn’t used to working in an upright position. The shot on video (or, as the Cinema Snob would aptly put it, shot on shittio) doesn’t help. All this I can forgive – after all, these are often the elements that often make bad movies fun. What I can’t forgive are the scenes that run on way too long, the arty, pretentious shots of angels, et cetra that the director uses to pad out the running time, or the fact that the main character isn’t likeable or interesting, and by the end we don’t really care if she succeeds in her goals or not. All in all, its an intriguing concept that’s hampered by the limitations of it’s budget.
What I learned from Shatter Dead:
- A gun is not only a fitting metaphor for a penis but an acceptable substitute as well
- Selling your arm for medical experiments will leave you a little short-handed
- Autopsies belong on prime time television
- Undead fetuses take 17 months to gestate
- The angel of death has a large rack
- The undead revolution will be led by Howard Stern
Since I can’t find a trailer on Youtube, I’m showing the home invasion scenes instead:
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDDIABn-Dhk/%5DHaeckel’s Tale (2006)
After the death of his wife, a young man (Steve Bacic) seeks out Miz Carnation (Micki Maunsell), an elderly woman with a reputation as a necromancer. Declaring his love and devotion, the man begs Carnation to bring his lover back, but she refuses, on account of being “all used up.” However, after being further touched by his story, the old woman relents, on condition that she be allowed to tell her own story before he makes up his mind:
Medical student, athiest and skeptic Ernst Haeckel (Derek Cecil), inspired by the rumors of the equally ambitious Victor Frankenstien, decides to prove once and for all the non-existance of the spirit by bringing dead flesh to life. His first attempt to do so results in a charred corpse and scorn from his fellow students. At the suggestion of a grave robber, he seeks out Montesquino (Jon Polito) a self described necromancer who Ernst decides is a fraud.
After recieving word that his ailing father has taken a turn for the worse, Ernst journeys to see him. Stopping by a graveyard to rest, he meets Wolfram (Tom McBeath) who offers him food and a place to stay. There he is introduced to the beautiful Elise (Leela Savasta), Wolfram’s arm candy wife. However, it turns out Elise’s passions lie not with Wolfram but with her late husband, the one whose remains lie in the graveyard, and who Montisquino is paid to revive late at night…
Of the Masters of Horror episodes, this wasn’t my favorite (that would be Cigarette Burns, which I mentioned in a previous article) but I still found it entertaining enough to hold my interest. The plot is a satire on moral outrage and heteronormative crusades. While Ernst takes no issue with ogling the wife of the man who took him in (or, for that matter, desecrating stolen remains to prove a point), when he discovers Elise’s fetish he is disgusted and even attempts to ‘rescue’ her from it (okay, so she fucked zombies, but still). Likewise, Ralston claims his love for his wife is so great that he must have her back immediately, but is forced to eat his words when he realizes what that would entail. It would have been nice to see what George Romero (the original choice for director before John McNaughton was brought on board) would have done with the material, but McNaughton’s direction is adequate, if not actually scary.
What I learned from Haeckel’s Tale:
- Zombie infants drink milk but are not opposed to human flesh
- Gay marriage is the new zombie fucking
- Corpses are highly flammable
Zombie Honeymoon (2005)
Newlyweds Danny (Graham Sibley) and Denise (Tracy Coogan) spend their Honeymoon at the Jersey Shore. The two are madly in love and planning one day to move to Portugal, where surfer Danny hopes to catch some serious waves. While lounging on the beach, Denise notices a strange figure energe from the ocean. The mysterious being attacks Danny, who ends up getting a mouthful of the creature’s black vomit. Rushed to the emergency room, he goes onto cardiac arrest and dies. Denise is devistated, until Danny awakes ten minutes later in seemingly perfect health. After staying in the hospital for observation (during which time, one would assume, somebody would have noticed that his heart wasn’t beating, or that he had no pulse, or the below 80 temperature, but no), the couple return home. Unfortunately, Danny’s hospital roommate has vanished, a nosy police officer has come by to investigate, and the vegetarian Danny has begun craving meat, particularly human flesh…
This was a movie I had caught the end of on cable a while back, with the intention of seeing in full later on, only to forget and end up tracking down on DVD years later. The title would have you believe that the film is a wacky romantic comedy with horror elements; in fact, it’s a romantic drama that deconstructs the Zombie Apocalypse trope by focusing on the elements of an isolated incident. Unlike Night of the Living Dead and other films of it’s ilk, there is no outer chaos, no mass statistic that allows the viewer to write off the deaths of millions as exposition, only the internal destruction of a human life and the future that might have been. Likewise, unlike the classic Romero Zombie, Danny is much closer to the Death Becomes Her living dead, in that he remains sentient and the decomposition happens on a more gradual level, mimicking a terminal illnes, although the cannibalism remains (according to the commentary, director David Gebroe based the film on his brother-in-law Danny, who was killed in a surfing accident just before moving to Portugal, with the zombification representing the stages of grief). There is no hint or clue provided as to why the infection occurs, although one of the benefits of setting your story in Jersey is that any mutation or horrible abomination is pretty much self explanatory.
Aspects of the film need work. The acting, in particular of the supporting characters, is not exactly Oscar worthy, and certain scenes run on longer than they should. Effects-wise, the film manages to do what it can within the limited made-for-cable budget it had to work with. Also, the romance/drama aspect may put off those expecting either straight up horror or comedy, though the audience does come to care enough about the main couple that it doesn’t come off as forced. Altogether, an interesting if somewhat flawed entry in the canon of zombie lore. Recommended as a stay at home date movie for horrorphiles whose significant others need to be eased into the genre.
Things I learned from Zombie Honeymoon:
- Zombie drool is black
- Making plans for a trip is a lot harder when you eat your agent
- Zombification isn’t sexually transmitted, for some reason
- St Christopher is the patron of surfers (as long as your wear his medallion, otherwise you’re screwed)
The Cinema Cell 